lost

Wow... what would I do?

Im stuck in a maze of lies and trials and tribulations...

I’m walking around living the life as No-mad... no place to call me own no one to go to

I blame myself for loosing you... I walk around day after day thinking how I could be so low...

I have put out so much and when my time come I get put away... put out ... i look to the sky for my answers I try my best to speak to you as if you are sitting in front of me listening... I need you here... They always say your not here in spirit but you are here... Its like I need the phone call telling me its going to be ok... you told me when I spoke to you to not worry . How can I not worry? I put myself in situations that I don’t need to be in.

I do this to myself. If only you can help me escape this thing called life... I don’t wan to deal with the ups and downs, its suppose to make you stronger but come on... I have been through stuff from day one seeing my parents spilt and them thinking I was to young for it to effect me , from going through my step father ... and his ways to my father not even being there.. No one thought about if any of this was going to affect me in any way.

I now ive my life not knowing where imma lay my head in a couple of days not knowing who truly loves me , not knowing if I even love myself.. And im on the edge of my seat trying to find out if the words people say is the god honest truth or just words to get you caught up.

But it seems as if I’m always falling for these words, im always falling for it all and now I end up with the short that is useless and can’t be used. It’s hard to know.

I had a dream to make it in this world but I will not make it. I will keep myself back with all these bad decisions that I make.

Instead of being there with you on your last days I was here... Instead of me coming to see you before it... I was here... It’s my entire fault...

Ask me how I feel for once?

Ask me are you ok?

Why I am never needed for anything other than someone else’s wants.

I blame myself for choosing someone else over you
.

You …..

I blame myself for choosing someone like you n

I should have kept you as a crush, I never should have drove all those miles to come see you,

I should have never let you in my life, because now I regret you knowing my past and having the reason to use it against me.

Knowing I cant let anyone say what they want to me so I always come back with something a little harder.

You …..

I have easily come to the point of actually hating you.

Love … what’s that... it doesn’t live here anymore...

Hate … im all too familiar with that... it’s knows me too well...

Honesty … please why do I always feel the need to be honest regardless if the person is being honest with me …?

Remorse … yea right with out all of the above then I can’t have any …

We walk through life trying our hardest thinking people are who they perceive themselves to be but they are totally opposite.

I don’t have any close friends because of that... I don’t mean to be that way...but hey once again no one asked me how I felt…

They didn’t care

What they cared more about was what they felt…
So after all of this we come to a conclusion that you love someone who doesn’t love you … then you go through your days trying to figure out what is needed to release yourself from it... You try hard and you try hard and so much is getting thrown at you that you finally just give up ….,

You start singing love hate songs… songs you feel like they just singing directly to you …

Then once that is over hate starts to take over your life …. You start to hate them... to the point of no return... to the point that you are in an aww that someone can actually be this way someone that once said that they loved you...

Someone who actually said once upon a time that you were there only …

Someone who was the last piece to the puzzle….

Then you sit and you think… like where has your mind been the whole time … then honesty comes into play... if a person who is being this mean and actually lying to you know about minor things

Where they being true the whole time?

Where they speaking the truth?

Then you come to the conclusion NO. They weren’t... then you start thiking about remorse

You realize you can’t have any more remorse for anything or anyone... then you really get to the point of loosing all feelings for everything.

Then you have a child …

Not a real child but an animal that is yours...

You really act like its yours you treat him like you gave birth to him and he is stuck in the middle …

You have to make the right decision so he won’t be traumatized that he won’t be hurt…

Who ever said dogs where just dogs and had no feelings was lying … you can see it in his face he is hurt…

He is very bothered by it all... … he knows but he don’t know

He can see but can’t speak his feelings… I can’t loose another animal due to stupidity... I can’t let him suffer because of our mess up …

How can I make him happy along with making myself happy?

I always him or YOU first... it sucks to know that the only people matter are the ones who really don’t need to matter.

I just know in the end that I will always end up with the last laugh...

You always get what you put out... So im ending this with no words and hope that you get the same results that you have shown me … good luck in it all